Tuesday, April 17, 2012

An Ellen Moment -/|\-

Ellen and I were getting dinner earlier. I had decided it was time to have a discussion.

"Ellen, what the hell is wrong with you?"

That caught her attention. I wasn't too happy about some of the things she's done as of late. I was pretty sure she knew what was coming next.

Ellen shrugged.

"Why, whatever do you mean?"

I said, "Lets see, called out an entire blog's readership because they didn't strongly advocate that someone get an abortion?"

"Well gee, she decides to hold onto her rapist's baby while being chased by the embodiment of a fear that likes to eat children? Seems logical, doesn't it?"

She was giving me a nasty little smirk. I had no response, I was too busy choking on my drink.

Ellen snapped, "Count the months. Do the fucking math!"

A few facts of the story clicked into place. I cringed instinctively. 

There's a question of sincerity at moments like these. Up until this point, I've told you all the truth as far as I could understand it. You've probably wondered: "Why does Nick compulsively write about all of these horrible things whenever he can?" For me, it's a penance. When I die, I want people to know exactly why I've made the decisions I've made. For Ellen, it's because Time Lord has a figurative gun pointed at her head.

I don't know what Maiden's story is.

Either way, Ellen gave me permission to talk about this little fracas. Normally, I wouldn't post any of this. After all, the next thing that popped out of my mouth was:

"So. When did you have your abortion?"

Ellen twitched.

I said, "I read what you said to her. I know you."

For better or for worse, having spent a few years trying to kill each other off-and-on has given us insight into each others personalities.

Ellen grunted, "2008. Human man, demon spirit, kind of like me. The negative energies were comforting, and he was nice. Turned out to be a vicious bastard in contact with the downstairs who wanted to create the next generation of soldiers to try again. After I missed my period, he gave me a spiel about how it was foretold, and how I would lead a revolution."

We were quiet for a minute or so.

I said, "Must have been one hell of a charmer."

"I was done with revolutions, I told him no. Then he tried to tell me we were doing it anyway. You know Nick? I was a legendary, ruthless warrior from a warrior race. Suddenly, I've got two breasts and people think they can push me around. Somehow, I'm less effective because I bleed once a month? Fucker."

I just stared. It couldn't be that simple. How was she so calm?

Then she said, "Told me it was the greater good. Suddenly my dream guy has a gun and a thing for handcuffs."

I could feel my heart beating. What did he do to her? What happened?

She said ,"I played along for about five minutes, took his gun, shot him, made the corpse unidentifiable and destroyed it", she paused briefly to glare at the table, "Then I had an abortion, cried myself to sleep, and spent the next week or so at the bottom of a whiskey bottle."

I relaxed a little.

Ellen said, "He talked about how they'd already warped and twisted it inside me. How it would be the perfect little warrior. How I should be honored. They went inside me Nick, I was supposed to be the finest warrior, I was supposed to be their champion...I was a man then, why can't I just be a man now? Suddenly I have a womb, and it changes everything."

I just stared.

Ellen said, "You were a woman up there. How did that affect you?"

We were quiet for a little bit.

Then I told the truth: "I don't know. My memories conflict. I was a man. I really was. And here my astral form...is not that. I'm starting to get other memories, from a different life. It's confusing."

I have started getting other memories. I don't want to talk about it yet.

Back in the discussion we were having, Ellen nodded.

"We need to look into that. This could be bad."


She continued, "After all of that happened to me, I ended up meeting Detective (Redacted) in New York. I started as his secretary, and then moved up to apprenticing under him. I found a new life, and a new...well, everything."

I tried to take her hand. I could see a movie playing out on her face, and she was desperately trying to change the channel.

"Don't touch me," She said as she pulled away, "Not today."

She stood up and walked outside. I know she was crying. She does a good job of hiding it.

Ellen, I know you're going to read this sooner or later. I just wanted you to know that I don't judge you for what you did. When my universe exploded, I had a family and friends to fall back on. You didn't. The world beat you down, and you beat it up in return. You survived.

You're the same berserker demon samurai I faintly remember. Just a bit more lost. I just hope you can realize: we're not all bastards.

I don't want to hurt anyone else.


  1. I'm sorry that our situation pushed buttons for Ellen. Seriously.

  2. We're all just souls on the inside. We feel pain one way or the other, and the death of your child is no laughing matter. No matter what gender you are in this lifetime.

    I hope she'll be alright.