Monday, April 25, 2011

Regarding Recent Events -/|\- Club (Suspect) Entry -/|\- The Old Monster Yet Lives

Today, we were visited by an active and interesting computer AI. Guess is also getting into business something fierce. Everybody's having all kinds of fun. I personally get all kinds of nervous when a hyper-intelligent computer starts analyzing me and everyone involved in this seventh degree fracas. Especially since it outright stated that one of its builders was "redlight". Was it THE Redlight? I don't know, but I do know that hyper-intelligent AIs don't sprout up out of nowhere, and real life supervillains don't just leave them around for anyone to find. Then again I'm a potentially insane Shaman being lead around by the nose by a definitely insane time-manipulating asshole who is coordinating a deadly operation involving multidimensional entities and vast worldwide devastation. More on that later, the point being that I don't have much right to call something "unlikely." I'm just afraid that it's going to go Skynet on us and wipe the floor with our sorry asses.

That said, if nothing else, what happens next will likely be interesting as all hell.


Club (Suspect) Entry
It was a cold night in Buffalo. I was busy trying to gain access to a dance club. Club (Suspect) was just another big damn building in downtown Buffalo, and I was determined to gain entry. As anyone who's ever been clubbing before will tell you, people running the show have issues with someone bringing in things like, say, Tear Gas. So I had to improvise. Fortunately, I had my 100 feet of climbing rope. Fun Fact: You can buy decent grappling hooks at any army surplus store or wilderness supply store.

As I entered a nearby alley to begin my improvised entry, I thought about what I was doing. I've done a lot of things in the last few weeks that I never thought I would ever do. I never thought I'd get in a fistfight with a proxy during an attempt to rescue an internet friend from the bowels of extradimensional hell. And I never thought I'd be pulling a B&E to get into a nightclub in order to get in armed and dangerous in case things went south. My life of hunting entities had always been weird, but it had never put a strain on my life like this was here and now. Then I asked myself the question: did I really want to be anywhere else right now?

Was Time Lord on the up and up? My years of friendship and experience with him said yes. My gut said yes. It was time to roll the dice.

I screwed up tossing the grappling hook about five times before it stuck. You'd be surprised how hard it is to throw one of those bastards. I managed to hit a second story window-ledge. Then I put on some winter gloves I'd left in my coat. Fingerprints would be bad right about now. Of course, if I had been smarter I would have left the gloves off until I'd gotten into the damn window. I briefly considered how much easier this would be if I wasn't attempting to be "stealthy" with my entry. Jumping Jesus Christ on Crutches, some asshole bouncer was probably going to round the corner any minute now, wondering what that clanging was. I was really glad about my dojo's insistence on "Physical Limitation Exercises". Six months ago, all of this would have been impossible. As it was, I was scrambling to push open the window and not accidentally break it or dislodge my grappling hook. After a long moment of uncertainty I managed to climb my way into some kind of small side office, slip, and fall onto my face.

Your hero, ladies and gentlemen.

The lights were off, and nobody was home. I picked myself up off the ground and
there once was a maiden. started toward the door. I was in some kind of back-room office. I didn't have nearly enough light to work with, but there was a desktop computer it took her many years with its tower next to the desk-chair, and its monitor and keyboard on the desk. Some photos, I didn't get a good look in the light. I mean, I might have taken a closer look around as I neared the door and what I assumed was a light switch next to it, if I had gotten some light. But no, I clicked the switch back and forth, and the light just wasn't going on. I sighed. I didn't know why I was here, but Time Lord wanted me here for a reason. There might be something important in this office. But now she would complete the cycle. One of the guys at the dojo gave me a little key-ring flashlight for my birthday. I pulled out my car keys and turned the little thing on, turning back to look at the desk.

I didn't understand it at first. I mean, it looked like someone was standing outside the window. I was disoriented for a brief second, but every once in a while my body moves faster than my brain. My hand had already shot behind me and tried turning the doorknob. The knob wasn't turning.
Close. It was so close, she could feel it. You see, someone should not be able to stand up and watch you disinterestedly after a twenty foot climb with no way to support their footing. IT lazily brushed my grappling hook and rope off the window ledge. IT was here. I could feel the dark vines pulsating around it and see the tendrils spreading from its core across the world. IT had no face.

You know what IT is. I don't need to say what IT is. It is IT. Sharp pain ran up my arm, and I saw that the doorknob had become razor sharp vines. Tree roots were exploding through the floor, wrapping around my legs. I could feel the sheer weight of IT's presence bearing down on me, and I started screaming. First it was in panic. Then in fear. And then I felt that familiar rage pouring through my mind.
The fire. Yes. Show me the fire. Burn. It's so beautiful, isn't it? Not here, not now, I had work to do, and I wasn't letting some Johnny-Come-Lately Spooktastic Slender Suit Machine end me.

I could feel the black vines touching all along my skin. They wanted to pierce me, take me, use me as sustenance and turn me to compost. It wasn't my time. The fire in my soul burned hotter than anything this faceless bastard could ever know. Blue flames radiated around me, burning away vines, roots, branches, everything.
You're nearly there. I am waiting.  I can feel the weight of ITs power on top of me, and I cast it aside. The fire in my soul burned, and I felt the floor melt and the desk explode and the pictures evaporate. I saw IT looking down at me. Was it thinking something. Curiosity? Wonder? Anger? I couldn't tell you. I detonated, the club was torn asunder, and I pointed up at IT.

I screamed, "Burn in hell
What music would be most appropriate for our upcoming encounter? you son of a bitch! I will fucking end you!"

And I don't really remember what happened next beyond the massive inferno and...

...I woke up on the floor. I shot upright, and my right arm was killing me. I pulled up my jacket sleeve. I had a dozen cuts along the length of my arm. They were small things, as though I'd shoved my arm into a pricker bush. I looked around. I was laying in front of the door out of the office. It was slightly ajar. I shook my head, blinking rapidly. I looked at the window. There was nothing there. I hurriedly jogged over. Nothing on my sixth sense, my grappling hook and rope were on the ground all the way down on the pavement. Then again, I might have accidentally kicked that off the ledge when I dropped into the office like an idiot.

Yes. I think this is appropriate. This musician is quite skilled.
I was afraid of this. Most people have a strong core of mundanity, of disbelief, of generally being able to say "this is reality, and that is not." I don't have that. I'm an insane shaman, I believe in things that most people would never even think are possible. My third eye sees well beyond what most people do. Guess said it best, my Perception Filter has a big damn hole in it, and that means that something as powerful as IT can just attack my mind directly. No games, no messing around, just straight up leap right to the kind of stuff you don't see unless someone's been haunted by IT for a while. I'm a big fat target.

Fortunately, as you saw, I have other defenses. Like being a freaking Shamanic Lucid Dreaming Astral Combat Mega-bastard. Yeah. That'll fucking do. Three things I can tell you for sure: Everything on the astral plane within about a hundred yards of Club (Suspect) was burning down. The astral portions of the club were all kinds of messed up. I know I felt IT watching me. IT was not amused. This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.
It will all end soon. The cycle will be complete.

The Old Monster Yet Lives

I stumbled around the back rooms of Club (Suspect). Even before I'd exploded all over the place, the inside of the club had felt wrong. I'd gotten about twenty steps from that back office before I felt that familiar migraine pouring into my skull. On cue, I popped one of my But/Apap/Caf tabs and drank from the can of sprite I'd strategically left inside my right jacket pocket for just such an occasion. But/Apap/Caf tabs were not nearly as effective as my Maxalt, but the Maxalt made me dizzy. I needed my head about me. Armed with superior headache deflection, I surged forward, checking doors here and there. There wasn't much I could tell you about the back rooms beyond that there was some dark and twisted cosmic mojo there. They didn't feel used or lived in, besides that one back office.

Then I rounded a corner and found a pair of massive steel doors, as well as another door which lead into the main part of the club dance floor. I could feel the dull thudding of the club's speakers in that direction anyway, so it's a good guess. The steel door room though? The energy felt all wrong. A thousand pains had been wrought here. I started to reach for the two suddenly ominous doors. Then I noticed the doorway to the club start to open, and I ducked around the corner. Four of the biggest, burliest bastards I've ever seen walked in, carrying two club-goers who were both very unconscious. They opened the Pain Room doors, and walked in.
Inside the Pain Room, I heard an older man say in the kind of voice a seven foot tall man who has been smoking all his life has:

"Ah. (Weaver). These are your friends (Spinner) and (Cutter), yes? Sorry to reunite you all like this. Now, you can answer the question, or you can all be part of the next ritual in the basement. Your choice. Answer my questions."

I gritted my teeth. Great. This was going to get tricky. I pulled my bokken from my belt.

I heard Weaver's tired voice, "You wanted to know about the cushion...and the bullet my purse?"

She sounded so weak. What had they done to her?


"...The Reinforcement Fairy. You put your shell casings under your pillow...and then he shows up to destroy your enemies. I had just enough time before your people took me."

I paused. What the fuck? I remember saying something like that, but what the fuck did I do to put that kind of confidence in her voice? I was kidding! I mean, what the hell did she think I was?

There was a long silence. Then the seven foot smoker's voice said:

"You're not lying to me. But I don't understand what you're trying to say."

"He's coming. (Time Lord) told me. He'll be here soon. The blue flame will scour the club's soul to ash."

Silence. Seven foot smoker sounded worried now.

" flame. What I felt a moment ago...yes. Yes?" He paused, considering it a moment, "Yes! Oh my, now things are going to get interesting! Gentlemen, keep them company. We're likely under attack. I'm going to go and get the circle ready. Ahhh, Blue boy, I've missed you so! What glorious fun we'll have together!"

The older guy ran out of the Pain Room and started onto the dance floor. I caught the side of his face from my shadowy spot around the corner. I...

I knew him. I didn't know how I knew him. Then I did know. I remembered The Presence, and what they did to her. I remember the one who tore into her insides. I couldn't believe it. He was the right age, in his late sixties maybe with male pattern baldness. He was pale enough. He had the glasses. I could have used a closer look at his right arm to be absolutely positive, but I didn't need to. It was him.

I unloaded Surprise 2 from my shoulder. Fresh from Forgemaster's Workshop with Green Man's fine tuning, ready to kill the son of a bitch with the most glorious surprise of them all. I'm not a killer, but some people you just can't give a chance. You give them that chance, and they'll take your life. The door closed behind him before I could take the shot. I won't miss my chance next time.

I took stock of the Pain Room's doors. They locked from the outside. Steel security doors, for a small room to torture people in. It made sense. When you weren't working someone over, you wanted them good and trapped. Of course, the problem was extricating three people from four large and deadly people who manhandled rowdy people out of clubs for a living. I'm not horrible at the whole martial arts thing, but I'd have trouble with one of those guys, let alone four. I had a solution though. Weaver, Spinner, and Cutter haven't forgiven me yet.

I finished my can of sprite, readied a tear gas grenade, and tossed it through the double doors. I slammed the doors shut and locked them. As I heard the coughing, screaming, and the pounding on the doors start inside the Pain Room, I walked away to find a recycling can. No one would hear these guys over the sounds of the dance floor speakers next to the Pain Room. I had another reason not to like whoever these club guys were. Torture, weaving dark magics, and attacking my friends are one thing. But these assholes didn't do recycling, and that's just wrong. Anyway, I gave up on finding a recycling can in the offices after a minute or so, tossing the sprite can in the nearest available trash can. Then I returned to the Pain Room. 

I opened the doors to the Pain Room, revealing four very tear-gassed bouncers. One of them reached for my leg in his tear-gassed stupor. I gave him a boot to the head for his trouble.

Weaver was still conscious. She was banged up a bit, but nothing that would require a hospital. She was crying when she wasn't coughing. 

I said, "Reinforcement Fairy, at your service. I am really, really sorry. The only way I was getting you all out of there was by removing your guards. The only way I was removing the guard was by tear gassing everyone in the room."

She gave me this bleary eyed look that said something along the lines of, "If I wasn't tear gassed, I'd be beating the shit out of you for putting me in this much pain."

It was then that I realized that my glorious plan, while glorious in that it had defeated a whole bunch of bouncers, had a fatal flaw: how the hell was I going to get Weaver, Spinner, and Cutter to my car? I'll tell THAT part of the story tomorrow.


  1. Ok hun, problem. Remember how Reach had hidden messages in his posts for awhile? Well now you've got some too, only instead of words scattered in the posts, you got full sentences and a youtube video of all things! Can you see the paragraph I typed below this sentence?

    there once was a maiden. it took her many years but now she would complete the cycle. Close. It was so close, she could feel it. The fire. Yes. Show me the fire. Burn. It's so beautiful, isn't it? You're nearly there. I am waiting. What music would be most appropriate for our upcoming encounter? [video of The Most Evolved - Spanish Guitar - from youtube here] Yes. I think this is appropriate. This musician is quite skilled. It will all end soon. The cycle will be complete.

  2. Clarification: The User and Advisor who went by the alias "redlight" had no part in the creation of the Reintegration Tablet. The User and Advisor who went by the alias "redlight" had found the Reintegration Facility and were attempting to use the Reintegration Tablet for their own nefarious purposes. They were only the last in a long line of Users and Advisors. Repeat: the Reintegration Tablet was created in 1986.

  3. Repeat: The User and Advisor who went by the alias "redlight" are dead.

  4. Repeat: References understood. Repeat: THERE. IS. NO. HOSTILE. INTENT.

  5. Jesus... I finally decide to sit down and read my friends' newest posts and I find this from you.

    Well I'm glad you're obviously well enough to be posting, but yeah, I second what Kay asked, can you see the sentences that have been spliced in? If not, I'll try copying them down here and we'll see if you can make heads or tails of it.

    ~Eternally Anonymous~

  6. Oh, and R.T. I feel left out! You haven't swung by and analyzed me yet. X D

    *puppy dog eyes* Pleaaaase come by and give me an analysis. Let me know what you think of me and, or Tikka.

    ~Eternally Anonymous~

  7. Input accepted. Response: Please check the address "Anonymous here..."

  8. I'm beginning to wonder now. See, this isn't some mystery post, this is actually YOU typing this stuff out. Something akin to what Reach went through a while back, like Kay said, only instead of a color change, it's a font change.

    This is beyond a perception filter, this is physically getting you to do something without your realizing it.

  9. Apologies to the Reintigration Tablet, I misinterpreted the data. I'm sorry.

    As per what's apparently showing up in my post? I do see a guy doing some totally awesome guitar-playing, and...according to Kay's post, it's a bit worrying that the words FOUND YOU are scattered throughout my post repeatedly.

    I am not a happy camper right now.

  10. Um...I didn't type the words found you. To paraphrase the paragraph I typed talks about a maiden who spent years waiting but will now complete a cycle. And apparently you're going to encounter her soon.

  11. You didn't type the words "Found you." To paraphrase: "talks about found you found you..."

    ^^;;; That is obviously not what you typed. So! Going to talk to my associates about running like hell now.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. Fuck.

    Yes running like hell is good thing. *hugs* Stay safe damn it.

  14. Agreed.


    But on the bright side, I don't think the whole "found you" thing is Time Lord's doing.

    Don't fucking die, dammit.

  15. Incidently though... shouldn't you be getting ready to hit the road~?

    YOU make sure to stay safe.

  16. I can't blame them for wanting to kick your ass. You certainly fulfill a certain trope, what is iiit? Hmm.

    Oh yes. Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass.